Anyway, I may come back to you all when it's done and ask you to try finding me and to report back. Is that OK? Ta.
This week's knotty topic is: Children at Weddings. Do you by any chance remember a news story from 2008 when a vicar took a dim view of a toddler's behaviour at a wedding service in Staffordshire and ordered his removal from the church? But it wasn't any toddler, it was the son of the bride and groom, who, subsequently, complained to the Church of England! Yikes!
It seems that couples want the perfect wedding - no rain, no family rows and no spots (I STILL get spots at the age of 48. Why?) and there's pressure for everything to be...just so. So, if a baby screams its way through the wedding vows or if small children run around shouting during the ceremony (and yes, I have heard of this happening) you can, well, sort of understand why the first guest-list dilemma is the "kids or no kids" issue.
And What Do I Think?
As this is such a personal issue I guess I should come clean: I'm child-free by choice and don't really enjoy the company of small children. In my view, we've put children's so-called "needs" (eg to run around unsupervised in Starbucks and to draw all over your wall without approbation), first second, third and fourth before the comfort of other adults and if we keep worshipping at the altar of the little princesses and of small emperors we're going to be in trouble. Harsh? Not really - I think that allowing children to interrupt people, giving them everything they want when they want it, and not instilling boundaries, rules and manners means that children become a nightmare for the rest of us AND they will increasingly not be welcome at weddings.
And breathe...
But...it's a Family Do.
A wedding is one of the only parties you'll throw in your lifetime when three or four generations come together in the same room - and what a party it will be! Opinions vary wildly on this issue and I can see why, after all a wedding or civil partnership is the joining together of two families and children can be part of the fun, indeed watching them doing that funny early-evening disco dancing is rather endearing, isn't it?
To be honest, I've seen the most charming and lovely weddings where well-behaved children have played a key role: the little flower girl in a pretty dress, the page boys in their cute outfits, the rings-bearer who has rehearsed several times to get it right because he wanted his Auntie to have the best day of her life.
This, however, is just plain wrong
Although a proportion of parents may look forward to a day or evening where they can let their hair down without their children, your decision not to invite their offspring to your wedding may ensure that you're removed from several Christmas card lists. They may not understand or appreciate your decision not to invite your small nephew. You have been warned.
Also, to be fair, it would be true to say that brides (not my clients, of course!) can get a bit obsessive about every detail of their wedding day and tend to forget that a responsible parent will remove a disruptive child during the service or the speeches - won't they?
Here Comes the
OK, if you don't want small children at your wedding you need to make it clear from the get-go but be very precise in your wording of the invitations. You'd think that an invite just to two guests would suggest that their children aren't invited but you may be surprised how many parents just assume that the children are welcome, too. Debretts would not approve.
Try the following wordings on your invitations:
"We hope you understand that we have chosen to make our special day adults only"
"We hope no offence is taken but due to budget restrictions, we are unable to invite your children"
"We would like to make it clear that due to the wishes of the bride and groom, children are not invited to the wedding ceremony or reception. We thank you for your understanding"
"Parents please note: It is our wish to have an adults-only celebration. We hope that this advance notice means that you are still able to share our big day"
" ...not able to invite children who are not part of the bridal party"
"Due to restrictions on numbers, the only children we can invite to our wedding are those of our immediate family"
Please don't put "absolutely no children" on your wedding invitation, it's just not nice.
Reading through
More Advice...
If you do decide to invite littlies to your wedding, here's the thing: children are children, they are not small adults and unless they are properly supervised and kept entertained they will be a) bored b) running around everywhere and c) making you rue the day you impulsively invited them.
In other news, the Pope is Catholic and bears poo in the woods...
Also, consider carefully how you are going to place them. Small children should be seated next to their parents but slightly older well-behaved offspring could have their own table, ideally in the middle of the room, so that their parents can keep an eye on them.
How about:
1. Making up special party bags with puzzles, bubbles, balloons and colouring books. Pop one of each of these at each child's place setting and with luck, they'll keep themselves entertained during the meal and speeches. Make life even easier by getting the experts to put the bags together:
http://ww2.partythingstogo.co.uk/ or
http://www.partybox.co.uk/
Don't forget to contact Natalie Lovett from Love to Plan (http://lovetoplan.co.uk/) who sells a charming range of wedding-themed children's colouring books - perfect for the big day.
2. Ask the DJ to include some popular tunes to get the children joining in with the dancing. Apparently, some chap called Justin Bieber is popular and it would appear that One Direction are a popular beat combo with a good beat. (ok, that's a joke)
3. Hire a kids' entertainer - magicians, clowns and face painters are a great addition to the day and will keep potentially disruptive children quiet for hours...
http://parlourmagic.co.uk/
http://bedazzled-parties.co.uk/
http://bigtopmania.co.uk/
4. A bouncy castle is a great idea - hire one that is robust enough to cope with adults as well - but not at the same time as the kids, please. However, don't let the bouncy castle become the baby-sitter, as happened at a wedding last year. The parents ignored the fact that their children were wrecking the thing. Oh yes, and someone (not me!) had placed it two metres away from a barbed wire fence. Great. There are bouncy castle companies all over Sussex (they're all wubbery, everywhere) so you'll easily find one.
5. You could set up a dedicated children's room full of toys, games, balloons and DVDs. You could even provide a Nintendo Wii for them to play on. Visit http://www.nintendowiihire.co.uk/ for a full list of suppliers BUT you will need someone to supervise all this, won't you? Talking of which...
6 An expensive but highly effective solution would be to get the experts in for the day. Companies such as...
http://www.artfullsplodgers.com/
http://theweddingcreche.co.uk/activities.html
...are qualified and professional childminders who specialise in weddings and who will supply child meals, organise wedding-themed arts and crafts and even offer late-night babysitting.
I guess, ultimately, that clear communication is key regarding children at weddings. If you're getting married in a church, ask the vicar for his/her views on this issue and you will need to be stoical if the people you want to be at your wedding refuse to come if you don't want their children there. These days couples are older, the stakes are higher and they're more than likely paying for their own wedding - it's not hard to conclude that they can therefore have what they want, is it? On the other hand, should they?
What do you think? Do children spoil weddings? Or are they an essential part of the fun?
If you'd like Susan Beckingham to advise you on this issue and other wedding-related issues, you can call me on 07816 684 756. I promise that my organs of opinion have been surgically removed.
